Workplace Humor

Does this sound like anyone you know? Either way, you better watch your back.

It's not easy to keep a job -- especially in today's job market. Let's be honest, there's just no loyalty anymore. Our bosses don't care whether we're happy or not, or even if we live or die. I honestly think they'd fire me just for sport. That being said, I have bills to pay so I work hard at keeping my job.

There's a lot you can do to increase your job security that has nothing to do with your work performance. The most important thing is to make sure people know you have their backs, and that they have yours. The people in my office think that I have their backs. Yet the truth is ... I hate them. But it's important to let them think that I don't.

There are many ways to get people to think you're supportive of them. Let's start with the big one: birthdays. People here get such a charge out of being recognized once a year that it's mind-blowing. I consistently get huge props for this because I'm the one who puts the parties together. I'm also the one who gives the birthday person the gift (if it's a manager) or the card (if it's a nobody), so they all love me, and never want that to end. It's actually sad that they think I care, but the funny thing is they'll watch out for me months after their birthday has come and gone.

Another way I make them believe I'm looking out for them is during conflicts at staff meetings. When people disagree, I pounce. I don't choose a side -- I choose both. My strategy is to confide in both parties, telling them I think they're right, but making sure they keep it on the down-low. Then I tell them that I'm going to preach their side on the sly, so they think we're ninja-like. They buy it every time.

I also let people know when someone is gunning for them -- and sometimes I do this even if no one is. This always ensures that they look out for me, and is also a double-whammy. If someone is getting under my skin, I let someone with power know this person has been slamming their work and is out to get their job. As I leave, I always make sure to give them a concerned, "Watch your back." This ups the ante, and leaves them totally convinced that I care about them. It also gets the person who is irritating me out of our group.

I've also targeted a few managers and peers who I suspect might one day become my bosses. I constantly praise their work, take them out for coffee, and talk them up to others -- just loud enough so they can hear me. All of them are either running the show now or will be one day, and they'll continue to look out for me. This is how I maintain my present and future job security.